Merry Christmas Eve

This morning we woke up to amazing snow!  It's still snowing in fact.  I'm so happy to have a White Christmas.

For some reason, it makes me think about my mom.  She loved Christmas, especially in Colorado when it would snow.  This is my first Christmas without my mom.  She passed away earlier this year rather suddenly and it still stings to think about her being gone.  I catch myself a lot thinking I need to call mom only to be reminded again that she won't be there to answer.  I guess I'm thinking she sent the snow for me this year. She knew I needed to have a White Christmas for my first Christmas without her.  It's her gentle reminder to me that she is still with me and thinking about me too.  While that may or may not be true, I choose to believe it is.  I could just sit and watch the snow fall all day long, sipping on a cup of coffee and remembering all of the things that I love about my momma.  I love her free spirit, her determination and can-do attitude, her smile and her laugh, which I miss the most.  So this Christmas I'll remember her gift to me and cherish it.  Merry Christmas mom!

Some days...

Some days I'm in denial at how big my kids are getting.  They're starting to become their own little people with different personalities that are most definitely shining through.  They are curious about everything, Cooper especially right now.  He likes to tinker with his toys to figure out how they work or how something is put together.  He's gotten very good at stacking his mega blocks and nesting bowls instead of just wanting to knock them over.  Gemma is very close to walking on her own.  My goodness, things will definitely be interesting when that starts!  I don't want to forget these moments of my children's childhood.  I'm terrible at recollecting memories of my own and I don't want that to be the case with my kiddos.

Today was a fun day.  The kids like to go up and down the stairs, scooching on their bellies to go down.  They're favorite thing right now is to toss something down the stairs just so they have something to go down after.  They've definitely exhausted all of the toys we have and I think are getting bored with most of them.  Good thing it's Christmas time and we've got some new ones coming!

As much fun as it is to play with the kids, it's also fun to get our snuggles in with them too.  I keep catching myself thinking about how quickly it'll all change and they won't want to snuggle anymore.  Gemma is certainly my snuggler right now.  She will crawl right up on my lap and throw her arms around my neck.  I was able to snap a few photos of her snuggling her daddy today which just almost made my heart burst!

I feel absolutely blessed to have this amazing life.  My kids are so wonderful, my husband is such a great man.  We have a lot to be thankful for this time of year!

Let's Give This Another Try

If you would have asked me a year ago what I thought I'd be doing a year from now, it probably would have been something like "I hope I'm sleeping" or "I better freaking be sleeping!" since I was so sleep deprived a year ago.  Well, I'm not sleeping but my two precious babes are!   I'm not the most eloquent writer, in fact I'm probably terrible at it, but I know if I ever want to remember these days and moments I need to start writing it all down.  I wish I would have been better about that during the first year of my kids' lives.  Alas, here I am with the first year under my belt and nothing really documented.  I figure now's as good a time as any to give the ol' blogging another try since I'm many memories to share and many more to make!

It's naive of me to think I'll have time to jot it all down everyday so I'll go ahead and let myself off the hook for that.  My goal is to write at least 3 times a week whether it's to recap the day's events or to share some funny story of what one or both of the kids did.  I know it won't be easy, it'll probably feel impossible at first but it's something I want to do and frankly need to do for myself.  So let's start there...doing something for myself.

Lately I've been feeling...I guess one could say...out of it.  I haven't really felt like myself.  To give you some context, today is a Thursday.  Thursday's typically are fairly laid back since I don't work on Thursdays.  Not today.  It was packed with stuff, at least stuff that isn't in our normal routine.  The short version is I was tasked to volunteer for my MOPS group in one of the classrooms, the kids and I had a chiropractor appointment and then we met Matt for dinner.  It was on my drive home from dinner that I had a moment where I thought, "what's my purpose?  Who am I really? What makes me ME?"  The immediate answer I found was, "I don't know."  Someday's I simply feel like a robot going from one task to the next, doing it all the same way as it was done the day before.  There's no real joy in getting things done, no sense of accomplishment.  Then there are days where I feel like I've conquered the world and I should be named Mommy Of The Year.  Those days I feel joy in the things I get accomplished.  They seem to be few and far between though.

I guess I've never really known my purpose in life.  I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend, now a wife and mother. I am happy to be all of those things but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough.  My real question is I guess, "what am I called to do or to be?"  I hope to be able to answer that question soon.  

Helpful Hands

So earlier this week, my dad sent me a text message and said Grandma and Grandpa were going to be in town and wondered if we'd need some baby holders.  I told him we'd be around all weekend so we'd love for them to come by and hold the babies while they were visiting.  Well, unbeknownst to me, he assumed I understood that it was MY grandparents and that they were going to be staying with us.  I have 2 two month old's- I don't need house guests right now.  Well the plan was already in motion for them to come in that night on a late flight so of course we pretty much had to say yes to them staying with us, but my brother would pick them up at the airport.  

I have to say I had a bad attitude about the whole thing.  It seemed very selfish of my grandparents to just want to come hold my babies to scratch their baby itch.  My kids are just getting into somewhat of a routine and for them to come would just blow it was off track.  That's how I perceived it anyway.  

I am kind of a control freak.  I like things done a certain way and right now routine keeps everything simple so the fact that I'd be having house guests that I wasn't prepared for was really stressing me out.  And I made it pretty clear the first day they were here how unhappy I was about the whole visit.  I even went so far as to text my brother and tell him he had to come pick up my grandparents and do something with them so they would be out of my house and I could keep my kids on track.  Not one of my better moments but when you're a new mother to twins, you'll do or say just about anything to keep things in working order.  He obliged but was not too happy with me for insisting he intervene.  So naturally I felt guilty about my attitude and generally my mood over the whole thing.  Here are my 80-something year old grandparents who just want to show their love to me by loving on my kids and "helping out" by being around to hold them.  

So what's my deal?  Maybe I'm still hormonal, but the thought of getting off track really scared me because we'd been having a relatively good week with the kids.  I finally resigned myself to granting my grandparents their wish of just loving on these babies.  It wasn't easy, but I figured we can get back on track in a couple of days.  My grandparents aren't going to be around forever and I want them to have some memories with me and my kids.  I want to have some memories for me and kids.  

I discovered just how grateful I actually am for their visit.  So many people say they'll come help when the babies are here but then never actually follow through.  Not my grandparents.  They made it a point to travel to my hometown.  They really did end up helping us when we needed it.  So I'm thankful today.